What a shitty offseason it has been. When the 2019 NFL season concluded on February 3, 2020, I was nine days away from moving to the horniest place in the continental United States: New York City. Filled with melancholy from losing thousands of dollars on 49ers in the Super Bowl, I travelled from London to NYC prepared to get super laid. However, I never did. Instead, I was cuckolded, not by another man this time, but instead by the entire country of China.
Fast forward seven months filled with anxiety, depression, and no fornication– we’re back. For the first time since February 3, I can actually say I am happy and that has everything to do with a full slate of NFL football in two days.
Corona Virus may have taken a lot from us. More than 50 million American jobs, hundreds of thousands of deaths, March Madness, and my sex life, but for the first time in a long time, things feel somewhat normal. So let’s win some money.
Arizona Cardinals vs. SF 49ers (-6.5)
Kyler Murry and the Cardinals are the darlings of the NFL this year. Everyone expects a lot out of them after the promise Kyler showed last year and their offensive additions in DeAndre Hopkins. Good for them. They still have a dreadful Big-12 defense and are facing the best team in the NFL this week. After a long offseason, I would not recommend betting against Kyle Shanahan’s brain and Jimmy G’s face.
Dallas Cowboys vs LA Rams (+3)
When I saw this line I was shocked the Cowboys were favored. This makes me immediately think I should bet on the Cowboys, but my reasoning for betting on the Rams is foolproof. Firstly, Sean McVay is undefeated ATS in Week 1. With limited training camp access and no preseason games, I expect Sean to have some wrinkles ready for the Cowboys defense. On the other side, Mike McCarthy entering his first year as head coach with no preseason games puts them at a huge disadvantage. The Rams were dreadful last season, but people forget they are just one year removed from being in the super bowl. Don’t be shocked if the Rams have a big bounce-back year.
TB Bucs vs. New Orleans Saints (-3.5)
This is the biggest sucker bet of the entire weekend. Every recreational cuck bettor in the US is taking the Bucs here because they want to fuck Tom Brady. I’m not buying it. You have to take the Saints at home against an unproven Bucs teams.
Seattle Seahawks vs. Atlanta Falcons (+2.5)
The Seattle Seahawks are travelling over 2,000 miles to Atlanta and are favorites? Ppppffff! Squares are betting Russell Wilson here, while sharps are betting teams. Atlanta wins this game outright.
Carolina Panthers vs. LV Raiders (-1.5)
When I initially looked at the board this weekend I was planning to stay away from this game. However, last night I had a dream that I made the biggest bet of my life on the Raider’s ML and from what I remember in the first quarter they were winning 14-3. Not sure how it ended, but when your subconscious tells you to make the biggest bet of your life on the Raiders, you listen.
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